My new performance piece is going to BLOW everyone away, with how subtle and dull it is. For through the mundane, we find true art…and also exposure leading to our own gallery, with artworks selling for millions of dollars.

Unfortunately, sitting in a commercially tinted box for 78 hours really isn’t something you can buy, as such…although if some very rich fellow wants me to come and perform at some gala for a vast monetary reward, I’m not going to say no. The piece is called ‘Tinted Box of Mystery’. It has me sitting in the middle of Federation Square, inside a glass box with some industrial-strength commercial office window tinting applied, and just living like that for 78 hours. The tinting people seemed happy enough to oblige, because I suppose it’s advertising for them. Meanwhile, I will be doing normal life things. Going to bed. Getting out of bed. Checking my emails. Making rude faces at people through the glass.

The mystery element is that no one can see what I’m doing. How mysterious us that?? Such is the strength of the window tinting; no one can see through. I could be doing anything, right there in Fed Square. Could be teaching a possum geometry. Doing squats with incorrect form. Playing the harpsichord!

You could have this in your office, all the windows tinted to minimise distraction and I guess people looking in from the outside! But more importantly, I’m making a bold statement on human nature, the things we do when no one is looking, and how tinting will one day be the norm so we better get used to it.

So yeah, this is pretty much gonna launch my art career into the stratosphere. Man in black box does things. I can see the headlines right across Melbourne. Office window tinting takes off at the same time as me becoming wealthy, famous and respected, well…you’re welcome, in advance.

-Jean-Paul